#I need a week of no time passing please
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Why is November blazing by so quickly STOP—
#I need a week of no time passing please#First of all because I wanna study#I need to make sure my CE hours are all up to date#Have to recert ACLS and BLS#Wanna write more fluff because I’m all out of material after today’s#And I need time to prep for this trip in December#How is advent starting in a week and a half????#random rambles
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me waiting for my writer’s block to fuck off and leave me alone so i can finish this chapter:
#my creativity is just so dead rn and it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin#i’ve been waiting MONTHS to finally have a little bit of free time to breathe and catch up on writing stuff#and naturally now that i have i am so mentally and emotionally drained i can barely string a sentence together#i feel so distant and detached from my characters#and yes i know it’ll pass#but i just feel so caught in this headspace rn and needed to vent#i’m SO close to finishing this chapter for good but i have well and truly fallen at the final hurdle#the perfectionism has got me#ugh#also if anyone reading this is worried about four walls being updated#please don’t#i literally circle through this headspace every single chapter#and it hasn’t stopped me yet#(and it never will either. i couldn’t give up on this fic if i tried)#but it’s just hitting me particularly hard this last week#why is writing such an agonising process sometimes#anyway#enough rambling from me for one night#i’ll drag myself back to my laptop and see if i can work some magic#wish me luck#writing stuff#lulu posts
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i am not ready, i will never be ready, but time will keep marching forward and it will happen whether or not i am ready for it
#cw animal death#cw loss#cw vent#tw existential dread#this is abt luna#ive just been filled with a deep sense of dread ever since artemis passed#because mice just do not live very long and it will be luna’s time sooner or later#and i am not ready#just like a week ago i could barely sleep because i worried myself sick about luna#i love having mice. and luna and artemis were the first pets ive ever had that i felt so deeply connected to#i love my cats and ive loved every pet ive ever had#but luna and artemis are special#ill have mice again after luna because i do love mice so much#but the dread is awful. so awful#im not ready#it doesnt matter if luna has days or weeks or months left#no amount of time will ever be enough#i randomly cried yesterday because i missed artemis so badly#i didnt have enough time with him#ughhh ok i need to stop before i make myself sadder#luna please live a long time. i love you
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Can you imagine living in a body that doesn't take turns with your mind to be sick? Yeah, exactly. Neither can I.
#seriously#after weeks of stress#poor resting schedule#almost no free time#i finally get a weekend to rest and I spend it with fever and a soar throat and muscle aching#it has always been like this for me#this is how my body react ro stress and I know it will pass BUT#i just needed a weekend to relax man#it is not that much#please.
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WE GOT AN EP ANNOUNCEMENT!!!
#it's not released until March 2025 which feels like forever away#but the time will pass#I fucking needed this this week#I've cried every day apart from Wednesday#also had two meltdowns#it hasn't been my week#but this has made it a lot better#I also have a concert tomorrow please keep your fingers crossed that it all goes to plan for me thank you#nati.
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I don't know why every time there's a bad situation going on adding extra stress in my life, it ALWAYS coincides with extra responsibilities being put on my shoulders- also adding extra stress in my life
#ONE THING AT A TIME PLEASE!!!!#felt just... on the verge of an anxiety attack for a lot of the day tbh#my grandpa is in the hospital so my mom is staying with him which means there's no one else in the house to help with dishes and laundry and#keeping things straightened up so it falls to me#and it's a lot! and my mom not being here also means I'm isolated all day while my dad and brother are working and I also don't drive so#my mom can't drive me anywhere so I'm also stranded and it's just... it's just a lot and I'm not doing well with the stress of my grandpa's#health and other stuff going on while having to deal with additional responsibilities#I already went through this for 9 days while he was in the hospital and then he came home! he was in the clear!#and I went out of town with my bf Friday to see a comedy show and came back Sunday and overnight#grandpa had to go back to the hospital so I didn't get to spend much time with my mom AND the stress of grandpa's situation AND I'm right#back where I was with the extra stress I already burnt out from last week#I know this too shall pass and all that but I'm just struggling 🫠🫠🫠#anyways. just needed to vent that ig#em rambles#vent post
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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating
I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.
Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.
#speculation nation#'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain#frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches#(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So#in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells#i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden#i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches#all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling#and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now#idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day�� also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.
#uhhhhhm no you HAVE NOT SENT THIS TO ME BEFORE?!?!#I literally am speechless#I’m not super talky right now#but even if I was I feel like I’d still be fucking speechless#like I already said I love your writing 🩷#and it fucking BLOWS ME AWAY when people write about me or use me as an inspiration#like????????? what??????? me???????????!#I’m going to keep this close to my heart and look at it whenever I’m feeling down#I don’t remember if I said that already but it’s true#I need to get a journal or a cute box to put things like this in so I can just grab it and look through them when I’m feeling shitty#one thing I needed to say is the fact that you shared this with me now of all times??? is kinda crazy to me#idk if it’s a coincidence or if the universe/God/whoever/whatever is trying to tell me to go back into music and singing#not going to go into it too much but I’ve been looking at my life a lot lately#and I’m realizing I’m not getting any younger…. I know I’m still young but if I don’t do something soon -#my life is going to completely pass before my eyes and I really really don’t want that#I’m *finally* going to get mental help soon (long story but I have to wait a few weeks)#and once I’m actually mentally stable I can focus on what I want to do with my life#so I’ve been thinking a lot about my performing arts background and then randomly a get an email from a choir director I know#asking if I could please join the choir for their Easter performance cause they could really use my high notes#and she just kept complimenting me and it felt really nice ☺️#then when I went to the first rehearsal I sat next to this girl and we were singing a part and the first sopranos go up to a high A#and I can hit it easily but most of them couldn’t so it felt like I was going this mini solo lol#but she asks me what my range is and I told her that back when I trained I could sing queen of the night which I think goes up to an F6#and she was talking about how impressive that is#and it made me think about if I actually trained and got back into it how good I actually could get#I don’t mean this to be like ‘look at me look at me I’m so good’#it just feels nice to have a little bit of a direction again#who knows if I’ll actually go down the music path again but it does sound damn exciting#I miss it with all my heart - I miss singing and performing and acting… I even miss music theory#anyway rant over and i ran out of space but thank you so much I seriously can’t thank you enough 😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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just woke up from a horrible dream about my chemistry final tomorrow 😭
#it felt so REAL i woke up with my heart racing bc i was so scared 😭#immediately checked my phone bc i thought the exam is TODAY but no today is sunday the exam is tomorrow i need to calm down 😩#i took a break from studying yesterday & just relaxed the whole day & clearly my subconciousnes is now making me feel guilty for it 😞#i hate when my worst fears creep into my dreams like please let me sleep in peace i'm already anxious enough 😭#i genuinely was so scared the exam was today & i'm completely unprepared bc there's still so much i need to study 😭😭😭#in the dream i showed up to the exam & there was a delay bc they didn't print out enough copies but some students already got theirs#so i asked someone if i could look through their exam paper & i was absolutely mortified when i didn't know a single answer#so then i started to feel nauseous & talked to my teacher outside the classroom saying i was feeling unwell & he got PISSED#we always have to sign a paper right before the exam if we feel healthy/fit enough to participate#so i guess dream me thought if i told my teacher about it he would be understanding & let me leave but he got so angry 😭#he said he saw me flipping through the exam paper (which obviously isn't allowed) & that's the only reason i'm feeling unwell now#then i confessed that i didn't have much time to prepare for chemistry bc of all the other exams which made him even angrier#then he basically humiliated me in front of the entire class telling them i'm retracting my exam participation in a joking manner#he kept saying i have to repeat another year & making fun of me... i was crying so much in front of the entire class 😭#he wouldn't answer my questions anymore & then another teacher came & told me to leave & that's when i woke up in panic 😫#usually i never remember my dreams & i'd rather it stays that way instead of having such horrible dreams 😭😭😭#i hope this isn't a bad sign & that i'll manage the exam tomorrow.. i'm honestly so scared i just want to pass 😔#the dream was honestly so scary.. i could see my teacher's face SO CLEARLY & all the little mannerisms he always does...#like he always has to turn everything into a joke.... ugh this is so unsettling please please please let me pass this exam 😞#just a few weeks ago he gave us these really difficult questions for exam preparation & even our chemistry aces were struggling with them#when i asked if the exam will also be so difficult he just laughed 😭😭😭#he later clarified that the exam won't include such difficult questions but like why use them for exam preparation then????#everyone was so frustrated & discouraged after those questions#all the other teachers just revised all the study material with us & gave us questions that really prepared us for the exams#i'm seriously terrified of tomorrow now... i'm so scared i'll just be staring at the exam paper & not being able to answer anything 😭#okay let me calm down.... i wrote a whole essay in the tags 😭😭😭#☁️
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thinking of another sparkle on merch idea
#txt#MY IRL JUST SEND ME SPARKLE GONE LAST NIGHT#I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YHK AS ON OFF N GAWN#but i alr made a sparkle on kdj sticker#but my big idea is that these would be in my normal style (not my chibi n simplified style)#and they'd be in a shitty square ratio sticker#deliberately bad sticker ideas#i need to make these when i have the time#dear god please give me strength#i am not ur strongest soldier (has been overworked this entire year bc of uni)#sorry to all new followers who expect me to churn out art eveey other week#I am a college student struggling to pass their classes LMAO#obligatory -> i miss my wife kazunari miyoshi
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The urge to bite your arms and feel the blood trickle warm down your wrists to pool on the floor every time you get overstimulated
#i want to sleep but if i do I'll lose all my alone time but if i dont sleep i wont wake up early tomorrow like i have to but if i sleep i-#-wont be able to spend watch that movie ive been wanting to watch and my phone is fucking dead so ill have to charge it and if i charge it-#-it will take time to charge and ill have to stay up even later to finish that movie which will make me suffer even more sleep deprivation#but i deserve to see the fucking movie ive been frying my brain like goddamn eggs for the past week to pass this unit but i also need to go#to school tomorrow cuz ive already taken too many leaves and i also need to submit those assignments i havent even done#im so fucking overstimulated i havent cried this hard in weeks im so fucking frustrated can someone please put a bullet in my head
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why must it be that the one roommate who handles the official city shit for my apartment (utilities, parking permits, etc) be the absolute worst at responding to my messages
#hey remember when i said my biggest pet peeve was shit communication.#[redacted] PLEASE answer my fucking texts already i swear to gd#i need him to get a visitor's parking pass for me so i can keep my car on our street without getting fined into oblivion#while i'm in the process of registering it....#like three hours ago he texted me saying he couldn't get a pass and hasn't given me a single fucking detail as to why#i can't get the pass myself because only one person can be registered at a residence at a time on the parking website#i'm going to go insane please just tell me what the fucking problem is i need to put my car somewhere#cause it's gonna take me at least a week or two to get my car fully registered and i can fucking not get ticketed before then#pulling out my fucking hair over here#i wanna talk about me
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im at peace with who i am. and im at war in my own head. WHYYY DIDNHE WRITE THIS
#FRANK I AHOULDVE GOT UP THERE ON THAT STAGE AND BEAT U UP!!!!#NEXT TIME DUNES TOUR IM COMINGM FOR U LITTLE MAN IM NOT GOING TO LET THIS PASS ANY LONGWR!!#can someone teleport here and take my headphones away from me please 🙏#idont need 2 be gfoing thru this right now.. its a happy week FEANK WHY WONT U LET ME BE HAPPY....
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me: spends hours cleaning the kitchen and bathroom simply because i wanted to also me: if i have to fold my laundry today i will spontaneously combust
#kitchen & bathroom: *happy bc i'm cleaning it*#living room & hallway: *feeling left out since i always clean late at night so i can't vacuum*#my side of the bedroom: would you PLEASE fold this laundry that's been sitting here for 3 days? would you PLEASE clear your desk off?#me: but i took out the trash! you should be happy!#my side of the room: ONLY BC YOU WERE TAKING OUT THE TRASH IN THE KITCHEN & BATHROOM & MAY AS WELL DO ONLY ONE TRIP#liv won't shut up#new goal: i can't clean outside of my room until i clean my room#though today was a good clean...i had a feeling out of nowhere to clean the fridge. so glad that i did.#so if y'all weren't aware i'm living w/ 4 other people. & i'm kind of the cleanest. like thats not saying a lot bc i still havent folded my#laundry but like. idk. i keep my mess on my side of the bedroom. & even then i limit it. i still try to organize at least once a week (i ju#didnt have time today bc of the fridge...). idk. i get if the bedrooms are a bit of a mess. but all of us use the kitchen. i would like tha#to be clean. honestly i clean that kitchen so much. i kinda feel like i'm the only one cleaning it...we're supposed to have clean checks bu#management keeps cancelling them so we've only had one#so it's like almost everyone else here just doesnt care about cleaning other than passing the clean check. vs me that likes to clean. so#anyway that fridge had not been cleaned or organized for a while...i found lots of moldy stuff that i just threw out. & someone was leaving#raw meat in ziplocs in the fridge & the juice was everywhere. none of this stuff is mine. all of my stuff is always organized in the fridge#i need to talk with them this is getting a little insane#i dont mind cleaning but if people could not make it harder that would be nice#also only me & one other roommate routinely clean & we're not the ones making the bigger messes so *shrug*#but i'm glad i cleaned the fridge we needed that mold out of there#but in general i should clean my room before cleaning the kitchen lol maybe thatll make me clean my room since i'm so obsessed with cleanin#the kitchen lol
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#welllllllllllllllllllllllllll#wasn’t expecting to have a nervous breakdown at 4am but hi here we are#do you ever look at your life and wonder how the fuck you got where you are#like little me dreamed such a different life#I had so many plans and goals#and now I’m just struggling to survive#didn’t I just graduate high school?#…….. no that was in 2016#we are now in 2024?????#is time real#I know I need to go to therapy and all that but I have a question#does anyone else struggle with time?#like you’re always late (to everything - work/chilling with friends/family/ literally no matter how hard you try you’re always late)#or days and weeks and years just pass you by and all of a sudden you open your eyes and realize it’s been years since youve felt anything?#idk the last time I felt alive was probably 2016 when I graduated boy oh BOY was I not prepared for the real world#and it’s just been a downward spiral ever since#anyway I got distracted#if anyone else has a problem with time and has been diagnosed with something please let me know#I’m trying to figure out if it’s a symptom of something#like adhd or maybe it’s just my depression who knows#lol I hope this doesn’t come off bad or weird but y’all know what I mean#🤦🏽♀️😂#shut up rosie
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