#I need a week of no time passing please

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Why is November blazing by so quickly STOP—

[shatterthefragments]

And she fucking needs to reschedule her appt. She always wants to do it together with someone. But no. Of course you wouldn’t be able to sleep if you never sleep at those hours anyway. Of course not.

And fine. We’ll reschedule bc what other choice is there. But. Yeah. “I’m sorry”

I gave up my weekend to cater to this bc otherwise I could’ve gone another day to get my new Covid vaccine. I could’ve booked for another time. I could’ve used this day to go in and borrow dad’s car so I could’ve gone to a waterfall or beach even though it’s freezing.

And now I’m probably going to have to give up next weekend - ASSUMING there’s appointments left for then. My last two day weekend before my semester starts and I split my days off. Which is fine. It’s my choice. But I was hoping to do some stuff on my own :(.

And she probably doesn’t. Fuck. I still need to take her for bloodwork (overdue) and picking up an updated will since the sis and I are adults now and it might be A Thing that it needed to be updated. And not to be like especially given their health and that they’ve both had Covid now. But. I worry. I’m not really in a position to be able to support the household even if we inherited and there aren’t taxes. But I’d have to hold it together. I’m older.

She won’t drive herself to go do these things.

(But I have to drive myself now if I can’t bus there).

And I get having anxiety. I am anxious too.

But for it to get so bad years and years ago that it severely affects your family AND your family has asked you to get help several times (on a regular basis too. Bc we’re not professionals and can’t really help you. Especially when you don’t even agree to come along and just sit in the car as I drive around) it’s frustrating. (How would we have turned out if you had actually sought help for your mental illness? And why do I just KNOW that you’ll blame yourself for our mental illness. That we have to hide any attempts to better our own so that you don’t blame yourself?)

Who could we have been if any of us had been diagnosed?

I shouldn’t have had to deal with that as a child. In elementary school. Especially when I was already suicidal on my own anyway.

And yes. I resent you.

“I bet you wish for a different mother”

Yeah. One that fucking tried a little bit harder to get help before it got this bad. Before having us preferably. One that when asked to get help - agrees. Even if we’d have to arrange and just get you in the car and escort you there.

One that even occasionally stuck to anything you say you’ll do.

When I couldn’t even rely on you as a child. An older child.

“At least I raised you to not do drugs or lie. Or drink soda.”

I never felt safe to tell the truth of course I lie to you sometimes. I’ve craved nothing more than the sweet release of oblivion sometimes. Painful violence with flavour isn’t fun.

And then now. You’re. Even now. You’re so judgemental. “You’re such a rebel now”

For what?! Getting tattoos?! That I’ve always wanted!!

I am frustrated.

You wonder why I try to go out of the house and do things?

I hate staying here. But where else am I going to have so much space? And not have to pay a formal rent?

Urges are there. But. Can’t. It never helped to hurt myself anywhere near as much I needed. And I have healing tattoo and touch up’s right now. Im ok though. I don’t. I don’t do it like that.

I need food is what I need but fuck I’m annoyed.

[melit0n]

.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me waiting for my writer’s block to fuck off and leave me alone so i can finish this chapter:

[regular-lord-reckoner]

i am so glad this week is finally (almost) over

i had an appointment with my pcp on monday to see about this possible kidney stone situation

they did a urinalysis on me and sure enough i do have some blood in my urine so that plus the pain means it's likely there's a stone, but i'm in a situation again where i haven't had any pain for days so it's like...that's not good !! (especially since this has been going on for a few months at this point !)

they ordered me a ct scan which i had today so i'm hoping maybe sometime tomorrow i'll get the results of that and we can maybe figure out what's going on

i also had a dentist appointment on wednesday but it was just a cleaning and my dentist said everything looks good. it is kinda funny because i was actually supposed to have this appointment months ago but decided to reschedule because i had too much going on that week and so it got pushed out until now and then i end up having even more shit to do this week than i did back then so...oh well !! it's finally done

and tomorrow i've gotta do some of my usual errands (mostly taking the garbage off and getting a few things from the grocery store) and then i think i'll finally be done !! hopefully !!

hope you have a good, restful weekend coming up if you're reading this !! <3

[bnuuyfluff]

i am not ready, i will never be ready, but time will keep marching forward and it will happen whether or not i am ready for it

[inklessletter]

Can you imagine living in a body that doesn't take turns with your mind to be sick? Yeah, exactly. Neither can I.

[sunstainedpages]

WE GOT AN EP ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

I don't know why every time there's a bad situation going on adding extra stress in my life, it ALWAYS coincides with extra responsibilities being put on my shoulders- also adding extra stress in my life

[orcelito]

Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating

I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.

Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.

[moreaujeans]

ourgejjg

[rosicheeks]

i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.

[saltmilea]

thinking of another sparkle on merch idea

[orgasming-caterpillar]

The urge to bite your arms and feel the blood trickle warm down your wrists to pool on the floor every time you get overstimulated

[supercantaloupe]

why must it be that the one roommate who handles the official city shit for my apartment (utilities, parking permits, etc) be the absolute worst at responding to my messages

[butchviking]

im at peace with who i am. and im at war in my own head. WHYYY DIDNHE WRITE THIS